I don't' type journals much anymore, but when it's 'that time of month' when I become extra, extra hormonal, it makes me feel the need to spill my thoughts and hear from any of you that can understand or have any personal advice.
So...I have been going through so many mental changes. I don't know how much crap I used to share back in my dramatic teen years, but I used to have cold thoughts, watched violent movies, and didn't mind violence or the death of others in movies or reality; I felt nothing, felt no remorse, felt emotionless...but at the same time I was artistically creative
It lasted for years, but naturally I have come out of it during the last year and now I feel super squeamish about the littlest violent things or sad stories to the point that it makes me fear independent freedom (like obtaining the resources to get me out of the house, like a car and stuff) and a fear losing control of what I want to accomplish, or just working very hard on something and months later, I realize it's led me nowhere. True story.
When I was going through my cold resentful phase, it did make me super anxious about things, but at the same time, it made me stronger to not fear certain things. I walked around with the "so what" attitude as if nothing mattered all that much and I was able to get some things done. But with that mindset gone, it is good because I feel lifted of dark energy, but the disadvantage is that I was strong for so long in some ways, that I have fallen because I couldn't keep up with it and I am trying to get back to being myself, where I am full of confidence and strengths...but without having to have the bad emotionless cold energy and thoughts there to balance how I move forward.
Lately, like the last year or almost a year or whatever, I have sort of had ideas for new art, but I just feel anxious like I don't have time to do it, or if I do attempt it, I rush it just to get it done so that I can say that I did it. I have no original creativity right now and I feel no creativity after I do something. I just feel like I am doing it as if I am racing time. I feel intimated and insecure when I see artwork that I know I can do, it's just that I lack the true motivation to go out and do it, or a lack of a certain resource.
Here's another annoying opposite: When I didn't used to have the resources or access to good stock imagery, I was always flooded with ideas but couldn't make them because of lack of good resources...but NOW that I have had the opportunity to go out and take thousands of photos with ~Indigo76
, I now have all the photos I have ever needed for creations I wanted to make years or months ago...and now that I have good stock imagery I've gone out and shot...well, to "naturally" balance that out, I am lacking motivation, creativity, and feeling that time is suffocating me so that either I have to rush things or let it pass by and miss a chance.
It's almost as if not having the darkness around, is unnatural and leaving me imbalanced. Perhaps we all need a little darkness to help us see both sides, to balance our emotions. But without it, I just feel kinda empty like I am reliving irrational thoughts everyday, which are stopping me from getting a driver's license . Seriously, how the hell does one grasp the strength of getting out of these irrational fears?
A few years ago, I was deathly afraid of crowds and being around people, but not afraid to be in a car. And now it's the total opposite! I am not afraid to be around crowds or people in general (just shy naturally, but not anywhere near deathly afraid), but I am now fearing driving and being inside of a car even when someone else is driving. It's like, for me, everything has to be "either/or". Either you fear learning to driving, but feel okay around people; or you succeed at driving, but die of anxiety from being around people.
Ughh! Seriously! How the F do I grow up?!!!! lol This is so childish. I am 21 years old and I am mentally mature for my age when it comes to the deep outlook on life and seeing the world with no boundaries, but yet I am like 6 years behind on the common things that should already be done, like obtaining a driver's license, having a real first job, and confidence.
What kind of techniques will help me shift my mindset so that it's not "either/or", so that I can be confident to practicality do everything!
I know it takes practice and experience to gain confidence, but any advice or techniques to help get me focuse on the positive things would really help!
Basically, when I break it down, I am simply lacking confidence, a sexy positive attitude, motivation, and determination. It will come and go, as if I am a little bipolar, but I want to make it take over the negative thoughts and feelings. I bet once I can gain control of confidence and all that great stuff, then I will feel complete and accomplished more than usual.
Sometimes I ask myself: Is it an unfortunate waste of time that I am still fighting and looking forward to selling my resources whenever my website is finished? Or is it fortunate and should I keep working on it even though it's been months with many delays? Does it even matter anymore? I put so much work and dedicated time to create resources, that I am just falling way from my senses and it will just be another one of those things I put years of work into and then it just....doesn't happen, like my stories I spent 7 years writing. lol. Yes, a complete waste of life and I have to pretend it didn't happen because it's irrational and many people just don't get it =/ but it's what gave me purpose for those empty years. So it's as if I woke from a coma with a huge gap there. But those were more personal and rarely shared.
But what the hell am I supposed to do? Forget it? I don't have the money to frickin' pay somebody over a grand to make me a professional, custom e-commerce website and to get it done ASAP like within a month. The entire point to have a website, is to still continue being generous and providing even better resources than I've shared here, and to sell my damn stuff so that I can actually make money to go towards my living expenses, and because I know I am good at what I do and people love what I do, so I am gaining confidence there. It's been over 4 years since I started providing actions, and over 5 years when I started stock photography. Slow gain of confidence, but I think I have enough to start selling it finally! Argh but when!!!!!!! I just want to eat a piece of creamy chocolate cake and then cry like there's no tomorrow.
Here's my website so far: [link]
just a big test mode right now. Things aren't properly aligned and the store functions are not complete, etc. I don't understand that stuff and my lovely webdesigner is having personal medical issues, which I hope she recovers from so that she can continue to do what she loves. She sells some lovely digital scrapbook resources: [link]
I suggest you check it out if you are a digital scrapbooker
It's been awhile since she's worked on the site, but I am still very thankful she even offered to create it for free! but just to have my products in return and to give back to me for giving so much to people
Well, I can afford that compared to $2,000+ which I don't even have!
I guess I am just upset at myself for not even trying to understand the complex functions lol. I can make pages and stuff, but when it comes to the store stuff and aligning content that can only be done in the CSS scripts, my brain explodes! It's like not my area of expertise.
Oh my, I just go on and on don't I? I need to be bitched slapped. Seriously!
I am just having a day.