I didn't take many 'behind the scenes' shots, but this basically what it was like.


The water started looking like pee as the colors washed off and then it turned more green. I had the camera set up on a tripod as close as I could get, and then I used Live view on the screen and set the 100mm macro lens to manual so that I could manually focus it on the dripping water. (I had previously used the tinsel for some natural bokeh effects like in this shot: [link]
I was trying to take two different kinds of photos at once lol. It's better to start with one thing and then try the other.



This is what it looked like through Live view, and then when I shot random photos using the internal flash, I get random results. Once it's focused where the water is dripping, then it's not as frustrating...that is, if you're using a tripod. However, it sometimes gets frustrating that you can't really get as close with a tripod, then you find yourself trying to hold it steady and as close as you can get not fun!...unless you start to capture a few awesome shots that are in nice focus.



Here's some other examples:






It died!!!!!!!! So now I have to get a new one. I'm kinda anxious to try some new colors though--colors that are not super vibrant.




The fun part is that you can be lazy. It was a gloomy day today and I simply wore my pajamas.

I know I've been very distant from deviantart. I've just been going through a "what do I want in life" phase, ya know?  It has dragged on month after month, but every once and awhile I do find my creativity again. I post more on my facebook fan page and my personal website more than here, and one of my 2012 resolutions is to be more active in the artist community once again. I miss doing features of art. I also want to share more stock photos too, and feature stock there too. But after a lot of struggling with my creativity, it finally struck me after all these weeks and a few months or so, that I now have a friggin' nice collection of my own high res photos from various locations I shot since last year and mostly these last two months since I've moved to the west coast. And so....I have no excuse not to make art; I can make so much personal art with my own photos now. They are pretty naturally, but it hasn't made me feel entirely complete, and so I realized that when I manipulate my photos into a realistic scenery, but of something that is obviously fictional based on how I feel mentally and emotionally, that seems to make me feel more connected with myself. So I will try to have 1-2 things per week to share so that I can get back into the community since I worked years on getting to where I left off. I wasn't feeling satisfied with my art style. I feel like I am trying to find myself again. So hopefully 2012 is my year to shine again, hehe.



Anyway, here's a few features of some art that I personally enjoy!

:thumb276243437:


I normally don't feature myself, but I'm trying to be more confident about my work because it's changing as I change. I'm between photography and photo-manipulation.

I have been busy working on my blog website and making new pages for my tutorials, because I am going to rewrite  my tutorials from deviantart and post them into blog form and video later on.

I haven't had much time to experiment with photography, but I do have a few new blogs with some photos that are exclusively on there. Uploading them on deviantart would make them look average and boring. But on my personal website, they seem to be the only kind of their own and new from me, considering I always lived in a desert area and other stuff, ya know?

My latest experiment was shooting macros of oil and water: [link]
And the previous was my first experience visiting sea cliffs: [link]

Eventually when I actually plan these things, I will have some unique photos. I plan to take long exposure shots of the ocean. I found a lot of pretty beach areas with rocks.
So basically, I don't upload much on deviantart, because what I am doing right now with photography, is what most people would call, "seen it before; see it everywhere" or whatever. And so I feel comfortable with my photos posted on my site where it's not mixed with other similar art. It's just my own space exclusively sharing photos of new changes in my life, as for dA, many people would probably assume that just another photo of the ocean, is just another lame photo of the ocean and not understand that it's personal to  me because
it's so new to me. I am so thankful for blogs/personal websites!

I visit dA everyday but I don't really have much to say or do. It's not really my place anymore.
It's time for my own personal place.
I am going to work on actual photography for my www.night-fate.com , which I want to convert to
nightfatephotography.com , because some day, I will have awesome photos lol. The kind of photos that
people will buy commercially. I am determined to work on it and have a quiet, hidden passion for it.

And my resource site will be www.nightfateactions.com . I have no idea when it will be finished.
The logo is the only thing that's finished.
So I will have to convert my best tutorials into blog format and video format, and then I will take down all of my actions and share selected sets on my website, and then sell what I do. Because it's only fair that I do that now, so I can stop being taken for granted. Because no, my actions you see now will not always be there. I have to step out of my kind shy space and be a little feisty to get things fair on my end. So save them now, respect it, and back them up, because I am very annoyed when people keep asking me to give them sets they have lost. I've been kindly doing requests and given out sets people have lost for months now and it's very aggravating after awhile.

And then I will also sell some high res textures. But I will keep my ~night-fate-stock because I'm not too worried about making new stock. I am more concerned about getting actual finished artwork out there in the world. Stock doesn't do much for me anymore. I will still share some new stock pics, but not a huge variety like I've done in the past.

Anyway, whenever my action website is finished, and when I move selected actions over to it, then I will remove them from here, as well as my tutorials. DeviantArt was a great place to start, but after awhile you see things that begin to annoy you, and it's time for me to be a leader on my own site where I will have new never before seen resources that you can have for free for the sake of learning.

Until then, I don't really have time to create new art. I am busy working on the content for my action website, and then I do upload some blogs on my night-fate.com

But I will let you know when I have the site ready so you can find new free and exclusive resources.
Which makes me very thankful for everybody via Facebook who contributed photos ever so kindly to be a part of my future action community!
Yay, I was so shy to ask for favors haha. But that will sooo help me get things started and previewed professionally.

90% of why I uploaded a cat photo, was to see how much more it would be recognized than
other work that I put a lot of time into. I actually took time to think whether or not
I wanted to upload the photo, because I was thinking, "I dunno if I should upload this.
It's simple but so many people get orgasms over a cute-looking cat."
But seriously, I was also curious how much more attention it would get compared to
my hard work that I wish would get more, because my cat photo does not show
my emotions. I like cats and it does show I am a cat person, and it was a happy moment... but it's not showing a painful emotion that had hours put into it. I prefer people to relate to my art pieces that show pain.

The other 10% was just to share something new from me, even though seeing a cat is something we all see lol. But from my gallery, personally, it is something new, ya know? Throughout the deviantart community, it is by no means anything new. For example, taking the cat photo wasn't terribly tricky. It was a little hard cause she kept moving around, but it wasn't all that annoying to deal with her.

As for my nature photos, like the macro shots of plants or the landscapes, that takes more time and effort, considering I walk everywhere to take photos.
I spend hours outside under scary storms in a field, or under the hot sun. It gets very exhausting. Then coming home to edit the pics takes a few hours. And I am just very tired by then, with housecleaning to finish.

As for the photo-manipulations, I sit on my ass for 3 + hours struggling to find images and put together the piece, it requires so much more dedication and emotion for me to create a manipulation, especially using a model. Because the only time I really make manipulations now days, is to express deep lost emotions.
For me, now days, it's not necessarily blending the pics together that takes time, but to express it just right. But it's not as recognized like a cat photo.

Yikes! I don't think I want to upload another cat photo if it's going to get more attention than my actual hard work that I put time, effort, and dedication to complete.  BUT the viewers are the ones that choose whether they like it or not. I have no desire to be one who forces or spams people to look at my work. They can look at it if they choose to do so.

I know a lot of people like happy photos, and I do have a happy side now, and that's why else I have been uploading photography with warm inviting colors, because it doesn't take tears and mental screams of pain to create like some of my manipulations. Though, soon I will be photographing people to express those mental screams of pain . Until then, it's manipulations I can only express it through.

So it is official: an image of a cute moment of a cat, will get more attention than your hard, hard work that you put painful emotion into creating.

True story.


It does not look impressive to me. It was just simply something new to show I was having a good time, and feeling cute and happy.


I spent hours working on that and I was in the kind of mood it shows. And it's like a knife to my head that
my hard hard harrrrrrd work is just in the background.

I am beginning to help °matteo revive the forever-ago-created #PhotoshopTutorials group.

So if you would like to share tutorials, that would be awesome to get it going again.

But read the guidelines on the front page and understand that it is for TUTORIALS. not photoshop actions or stock photos. but Photoshop Tutorials. PHOTOSHOP.
Creations which require the use of photoshop.

Any tutorials containing terrible end results where even a beginner would know it was bad, or the use of copyrighted photography/celeb images, will be declined.

Basically a clean, readable tutorial using stock photos, your own images/concepts, will be allowed with no questions asked.

I thought I'd make a quick journal with my stolen texture


It's just annoying and maddening that all this really happened to a lot of people (by someone who got away with it for awhile).
My artwork and stock art have been stolen before, but mostly on stupid ugly websites where the people
have very little power and no idea how to remove a watermark.

The more research I do on the Chad Love Lieberman, it gets more and more annoying and absurd that such a creature exists.

I am currently working on my portfolio website which will have an awesome new blog. I am going to rewrite my old blogs with the best pics (probably about 4 of them) and then I am going to work on the  galleries. I have everything ready to publish, I just need to work on the template a little more.
It takes sooo much time but I hope to have most of it finished by the end of the week. The URL is night-fate.com but it's not viewable just yet.

I am beginning to work on my photoshop action website,
but I must know if my actions work in Photoshop Elements.
If they do, let me know from your experience. Do they install the same
as Adobe Photoshop CS + ( Window > Actions > then go to the palette and load them from there.)
Or do they have to be converted?
Are there certain effects that don't work with it?
I'd like to know. And if you have experience with both photoshops, let me know
which versions.

Now days I make my actions in CS4.

but ahhhh let me know how they work for you so I know which programs
they're compatible with.

I haven't obviously been making many photomanipulations. It was something I did when I was afraid to go outside because of my
pointless fears   So I kept indoors and dwelt on the past and created digital art based on those feelings.
But lately I have been getting out of the house more and I have been doing so much better at being myself and not being afraid to be around people.
That basically means that I'd photograph a stranger and not feel so self-conscious. But right now I have only really photographed
a few friends, or people I don't know personally-personally,  but they like what I do lol. I am also beginning to photograph myself. I want to experiment with
makeup and portrait shots.

I have been taking more photos recently because right now photomanipulation cannot show everything that I want to express. I am becoming a little more
simple instead of complicated. So I want to work with light soft colors through photography.

If I wait to make a manipulation, then you probably won't see anything posted on my profile for awhile, but if I share
photos I've taken , then it won't seem like I am away from the site, because I am on here everyday.
Then when I feel that the only way to express my feelings is through a manip, then I will make a new one.

After I finish a few commissions I am working on, then I will make some new photo edit tutorials on the black-white stuff I've been doing
recently. And also some new actions and stuff.

Sometimes when my brain becomes very overwhelmed,
my entire body beings to feel numb and weightless.
And then I begin to see myself as a ballerina,
silently dancing on a foggy ledge with an endless fall below.




And now I should really get to bed before my thoughts get weirder!

I always thought that I would like being on deviantart. I used to think, "this will be my main art profile forever!"
But over time I've realized that I need a personal and professional website with my own work. And I am slowly working on it.
On my own website, I'll be able to have it be my own personal space not mixed with annoying copyrighted
work. For example, I hate when I browse actions on deviantart, and abaout 97% of the ps action sets are amateur, meaning that the previews are the usual
annoying copyrighted celeb images and other peoples copyrighted images. It's so unoriginal to use those kinds of images.
Then there are some sets that look very similar to my own sets. Some of these amateurs that just barely start making actions and selling them,
will use some of the images I use on my own (which is okay, because at least they're stock photos), but then some of their sets
look so much like my style of actions. I should just make like 15 out 148 of my sets available, then if I feel secure, I will restore another
set. But I should make the sets smaller to 2-4 instead of 2-8. I used to make even larger sets, but that was back in the day when I didn't
care how my stuff was being used, just as long as I was being helpful with nothing in return.

I will still be kind and provide some new free stuff on this account and my stock account, and my own website in the future. But I will provide it in smaller quantities; not huge collections like I've done for the last 3.5 years.

You see, I want to put together a website for my actions and make it public maybe by mid summer if at all possible.
I have been taking down a lot of sets for the sake of what "I want" now, and what I need, instead of continuing to please others
based off their certain needs, it's time that I do what I want. Not what random people want. I've done a crap load of free
stuff for strangers and also people I know. And sometimes I don't even get a "thanks" in return. It's like a "hit-and-run." I'm just a talented
obstacle that people can get free work out of. Then some people will talk to me and comment on my work, then shorly after fade away then
come back when they want something.
For example, my little sister can be a demonic bitch to my mom, but when she wants something, she
acts like an innocent princess and say...maybe gets money even though my mom can't afford to hand out money like that. (actually my brother is the one always going to her for money). True story. Happens most everyday. Except in my case, people aren't mean to me, they just act childish (plz, i haz request, plz plz plzzzzzzzzzzz plz!) and only add me so they can ask for free stuff, and act like they're horny and hyper or something. I dunno!!!
And another example, my little brother and sister are not very appreciative of the things they already have, (especially when it comes to cell phones. I use a crappy cell phone but I'm thankful I have one that works for talking and texting and that's about it. it's like they have to have the newest of things and what they want exactly, as if that's true happiness. ughhhh!)
So when you see the resources I have provided, and something doesn't fit your exact mood or what you're looking for,
just think of it like, "wow, free shit!" and try it out and be thankful. Though, I am sorry I have taken down a lot of sets. They're in my gallery storage.
I'm just frustrated and raging with imbalanced hormones.

For so long I was totally happy and loving to help people if they gave me a request. If they said, "I'd pay your for it"
I'd be shy about it because I didn't want to have them pay and then be unhappy with my work because I was self-conscious
for so long. But now I'm just to the point where I am not going to be shy about it anymore.
I am taking it personal and getting frustrated and annoyed when people keep bugging me
or practically adding me as a friend on Facebook and only talk to me when they want something...free, of course.
Does that just mean I am being used or something?
I mean, they're nice  but "only" talk to me or message me when they want a free request. And it never used to bother me until
these last few months.
Even if it's "one" action, it gets frustrating to make it, send it, wait for their reply, fix it or remake it until their pleased.
That's totally fine if I am actually getting paid for the time and effort to make it right for them, because I am to the point where professionally (and based on my personal life) that I need to set prices and stuff, but I'll have to wait until I get website for this stuff so that it's all straightforward
and professionally laid out.

This is an example of Exclusive sets I am working on, but I can't sell them until I get this website concept created.



For each photo I take, if it's useful enough to make various effects based on the original images, I will make it into its own collection.
And I've done lots of browsing on selling actions, and I've seen sets of 2  actions or even 1 action being sold for like 10-20$. Which is
a fair price if you're professional at what you do. If you're a customer, you mustn't look at the price and be like "whhhaaaat?"
You must consider if they're professional and trustworthy at what they do and respect what they're doing. Don't complain that the prices are too much
because actions are normally sold for very high prices. If it's someone who sucks at making actions, then that wouldn't be a fair price.
But before I raise prices to be very pricey, I need to have more access to taking amazing photos.
But for a start with what I have, I won't charge that much for 2-5 actions until my
action website gets more known whenever that may be, and not until I have awesome photo collections of my own photos.

So anyway, for my exclusive sets, I will make sets of 2 or 1, then maybe even a variety set. So it will be that you either
buy the sets you want individually, or the entire collection.  And I will also make special offers and discounts. Cause I want to do fun
photo shoots based on holidays, then make actions based on those themes.

Honestly, I have had some good business in the past, with my custom action thingy, and even only with 8 exclusive action sets up for sale. I had made pretty good money that I could have afforded a nice lens or road trip adventure if I think of all the money I had made but had to use for the sake of life and you know, having an ill mother and helping her out with bills and food and stuff, even for myself too, because I live with my mom lol. But right now I am not selling any actions because I don't have them up for sale because I am totally revamping everything and wanting to get a friggin' website made for it. Then later I will make an art portfolio. But actions first, because that will get me somewhere.
So I am busy trying to make the "real" website for all this stuff. Well I'm not actually making the website at the moment, but I think I found a layout I like, but I am working on making the action sets and figuring out how this will work.

I have spent so much time making my actions in easy-to-adjust layers, for in case something about it doesn't look good on your images personally,
and at least on my exclusive sets, I have been making them so they work in Photoshops that are run as a different language other than English.
And, also, they work with older photoshops.
I sm glad I have experience with the non CS versions, because I know what effects will and will not work, so I avoid those effects in my CS4. I see professional photographers selling their actions that are  only for CS +, but mine will be saying
"Ps 6, 7, Cs +" because I've used them in those versions, and I even used my actions in Photoshop Elements 3! (i think that's the one. but it was on a friend's computer with a cheap Adobe Photoshop that was like way cheap, and I saw the Actions palette, and thought I outta try it and it worked with my effects.)
So I could sell more, knowing lots of people do have those older photoshops.

So...again,
It's unprofessional of me to be so free and giving. I can begin to sell more than I provide for free, but
I just want people to know that I put a lot of time and effort into the tutorials, stock, and actions I've provided in the past.
So I think most everybody that's been following and respecting my resources for awhile now, actually understand
that my resources will be trustworthy when I put lots of stuff up for sale on my future website.

I am happy to help anybody that wants to learn some tips about photo-manipulation.
However, I feel very unmotivated to  help individuals.
I'd rather just gather ideas from everybody, like what You want to learn, then put it
all into a tutorial for everybody to learn.

For many months and quite a few years now, I've been helping people from all over the world,
but if you want me to help you, please be serious with me and type properly.
It never used to bother me, but lately it's  been annoying when someone wants
me to help them, and they type like this (these aren't based off any real comments, but
it's pretty much how many people approach me)

"I love all ur work! plz teach me some tips plz plz plz!!"
"ur work is amzing, i love it! i want to be just lik you, plz be my teacher."
"I REALLY LIKE EVRYTHING U DO. I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME SOME TIPS."

I am beginning to ignore people who type like that, because I can't take it seriously anymore.
If you want my help, then be professional with me.
Well, at least type normal. I mean, it's okay if your English grammar isn't perfect if
English isn't your native language, but please do not type 'LIKE THIS' or 'lik ths plz', and so on.
I don't care if your grammar is like this: "I want to learned things just like you. Your skill are amazing, I love everything you have did."
And I don't care if you have spelling issues. Just try your best to type so that I can take you seriously.
Please, nothing childish (plz, liek, luv, ur, u).
Okay?

It's getting funny and annoying and very frustrating.

Here's a clean example:
Hey, I like your work. I'd love to learn some tips from you. Can you please help me?

But again, I'd much rather help everybody instead of one person individually.
Maybe give me some ideas and I can make a tutorial.
I also feel very unmotivated to spend hours on tutorials like I used to.
I am not going to make detailed, step-by-step tutorials based on my old work.
I can give tips and stuff, but I am just not motivated anymore to sit at the computer for 3-5 hours making
a detailed tutorial like I use to do. Now days I make them more like walkthroughs, explaining
the main parts in a detailed format, instead of explaining every friggin' little thing from beginning
to end.

Anyway, I am trying to finish a new manip, and then I will make a basic intermediate tutorial about it.

Hey,
those of you who use my Photoshop Actions ,
I need you to tell me which set and action #
has an error, like "cannot select or find Curves,
or curves command not available" or whatever it says.
But tell me the name of the error, because I'd have no idea otherwise
'cause I have no errors on my end.

I've figured out techniques to fix them to work in
Photoshops that are installed as a different language.
I make mine using English, and most errors
reported are those who use it in another language.
Especially when I go back and select layers, like 'background layer
copy' or 'solid color fill'.
So let me know specifically which action set has that problem for you,
and I can fix it so that it manually lets you
change the name of certain layers that I go back and select
during the recording process.

And if you have CS5 running as 64-bit mode,
it will not read "lighting effects."

I used to submit quite a few journal entries back when I was lonely and depressed. It's been awhile and well...I am feeling very insecure and angry. I can't express myself through art right now. I feel like I need to cry and cry like a baby, but it feels so trapped and heavy inside my chest. I haven't felt like this for months! It feels like a dark, angry voice is bursting through my brain, trying to swim down my throat and into my heart to tear it out and laugh:
"Ha! You're stuck in a place you don't like. You dumb bitch! That's what you get for being too scared and anxious to speak up--to speak out and make changes for yourself. The only way out is to hurt yourself so that everybody can see what they once had is no longer around. You're just an obstacle and nothing more. You can't prove yourself anymore, because the people around you (at home) expect you to last no longer than a month from home. But that's your fault because you're so private and don't show them you really are a strong woman on the inside. But why even prove it? You suck at being strong--you suck at stating your opinions. You avoid conflict. Grow the F up and deal with it. Or wake up dead and eat their souls. You can't rely on them anymore."

I'm not one to be angry until months later, after I've held in every thought and feeling,
and then finally freak out and get strongly annoyed, viscous, and self-abusive.

It's like my hormones are so imbalanced. Whether I am PMSing or not.
That's gotta be my problem right there. And it wasn't until a few weeks ago that
I started to feel like I used to feel many months ago.
I exercise daily and I've been eating healthier.
And I do need to get better sleep. I can go to bed early but I just struggle trying to get
comfortable then I wake up cranky and bitchy and moody.

The weather this week shows my unpredictable body imbalance.
The weather here is unpredictable right now. A few days ago it snowed when it hadn't snowed for awhile.
My body is just as crazy and insecure right now.



In the past, if you recall, I used to rant and bitch about wanting to destroy other people.
But now I just want to die. I sit here and then I just suddenly cry:
"Why am I here? I hate being here! Why can't I be a normal pretty girl with pretty skin and have a driver's license and a typical job to make money and get outta here? No wonder why I have no friends!"
Curse you anxiety! It's only me standing in my own way. Nobody else. Just me! Myself! Mentally blaming other people that I think I know, but don't actually know. It's really me in my own way--the way I absorb the reality around me. Grow up and move on, bitch!

(my heart talking)
"Who's stopping you?" Me!!!!!!!!
"What's stopping you?" Me, Myself, and I. But it's really just "me"!
"Then why not do something about it? We've all been a fool in some way; we've all embarrassed ourselves one way or another. Just move on. Seriously, you're a stranger to them as much as they are to you. Honey, you are the problem and the solution.
Problem: You're standing in your own way.
Solution: Grow up, portray confidence and show that you truly are a strong woman who's not afraid of reality. You're just stuck at home, like always, and this is only temporarily, sweetie. But be sure to show that you don't care what other people think. If you portray shyness because of your skin issue or for whatever reason, then people will probably wonder. If you portray a positive attitude, people will not question it, and people will want to be around you. Walk with your chin up and a smile, show people you're happy and you know what you're doing: minding your own business. You've gotta make the path yourself and stop waiting for people to find you and help you. You can do it yourself. Enough childish behavior. Act mature. You are a woman with great talents and natural beauty.

It's a hard barrier to break down. But I am slowly doing it.

Anyway, my house used to be my get-away, where I felt safe and wanted to remain at all times.
I'd cry if I had to leave the house and go to school or whatever.
But now that I am not all that afraid of being around people, I have a craving to go outside and interact with other people.
I now cry when I realize I am at home where I feel I "have" to be because I do a lot of the house cleaning
and try to make my mom feel good. She's sick for life, since ever ago. I love her very much....but the way she always feels, begins to mentally and emotionally affect me, making me feel that everything I try to do, is really no help. It begins to make me feel tempted to physically cut off my arm or something. (Not literally, but something like that.)

So really, I just need to figure out how to sleep comfortably, breathe steadily and deeply when I feel like I want to destroy something, and
continue my daily walks and runs and drink lots of water, and again, keep trying to see if I can rely on someone to take me out driving so I can get a license and have freedom.

Now what I need, is a  nice warm bath. I really need to relax! Then maybe I will try to see if I can make a new art piece and a tutorial
-sigh of relief-
I feel better now. I have a hard time verbally explaining how I feel, but typing it is so much better. Because I can go back and fix errors so that it hopefully makes sense so that you understand it the first time you read it.

Perhaps it's time I update my journal.
Well, the same as usual: I get online everyday, check my email, facebook, and deviantart.
I'm just not as active lately, not uploading anything new because I am still figuring out what I want to do.
I do have a few new photo-manipulations I am working on, which means they will also have tutorials afterward
Plus I haven't been feeling well. At first I had a cold or allergies or a mixture of both. My nose is still a little stuffy, and
I also have that time of the month going on. It only sucks because my hormones are imbalanced, which gives me bad cramps
and then I also sweat over nothing. Well, to me it's nothing but to my body it's telling me something like: hormone imbalance, Julia. Hormone imbalance with a little anxiety hanging around. You haven't controlled it yet--it's still there! Breathe. Breathe, bitch! Breathe!
I am trying to go on at least 3 runs a day like I used to (morning, evening, and night). Then other exercises.
There was a time that my body was in tune (but that was before puberty lol) and I didn't have problems with becoming sweaty-ish with morbid cramps.  
It sucks. And I want to try very hard to balance my chemistry and everything once again so that I don't have to erm...worry about that anymore, whether
I have a period or not.
Anyway! Sorry you had to read about my female human body issues

Okay...so I've been trying to spend less time at the computer--trying to avoid staring at the bright screen.
If I spend too much time I begin to feel a little depressed and very irritable and viscous and frustrated, unless I am absolutely
happy with what I am working on--if it's not something that I have to struggle learning like digital painting.
And I've also been working on photoshop actions.
My friend Robyn has kept telling me that I need to start selling them and not let people keep downloading and downloading them.
For example: she has a friend who lives like an hour or so from our town, (her friend didn't even know the actions she was using were by me, a friend of Robyn) and so she uses my ps actions on her photos and does other things I am not very pleased with. And that made me realize, "holy crap, knowing a friend of a friend is doing that...imagine what everyone else is doing!" And that was like five months ago she told me that, and so now I really, really need to take action and  sell more actions but provide a few free samples from the exclusive sets, because I work hard to provide what I give freely. And I begin to feel taken advantage of. I just need to start working on a business for this stuff lol. I've been so shy to do so because people are expecting free things from me, but I deserve to sell more things, right? And to make money for what I do? I have kind feedback and never anything mean about my textures or photoshop actions. The only suggestion I get is to give them names, which I really need to start doing.
And I try really hard to impress everybody and fix any errors. I just avoid conflict and like to make sure everybody is pleased with the effects.
I have some exclusive sets, and right now I am remaking the previews on most of them using my own pics. Because I'd much rather
go out and take my own pics for the previews if I get the opportunity to photograph something unique or somebody by chance.
That way, with my own photos, I can do whatever!
But for now, I have mostly used stock photos that allow me to use them on exclusive sets. But I am actually going to go through my
free sets to store the ones that don't seem to be very popular and then I will use those effects to start making a new exclusive set.
So, whenever the weather is nice and not rainy and gloomy, I will go out and hopefully find some people I can photograph.
All I need is professional friggin' photos to make the previews look unique. I want photos that
have a nice depth of field with soft blurs and sharp focus. I can take those photos if I can find the right subjects. And it's pissing me off that
I can't find anybody or anymore unique objects or nearby landscapes.
In the meantime, I will just search through my photos I've taken in the past and see if anything would make a catchy preview.

Well, I think I need to take a break now and go on a run. Even if it's raining. I don't care. I need some freedom from this place!

My life is just going through a lot of final transformations, I hope. I have gone through about 7 different emotional and mental transformations in the last year. Very big changes and now I am figuring out what I want to do! I have been busy with trying to figure out what I want to learn artistically, but I need to be happy about it and not let it pull me through a depression like photo-manipulation did to me, because I was  so determined to learn it, that I'd go crazy and emotional that I couldn't do what I do now
Well...at least I don't cry that I can't paint and work with lighting like *AF-studios. I used to cry about! awhile ago though
But perhaps her perfectly awesome style isn't meant for me to chase after. Perhaps I have a matte painting style that is waiting for me to discover it, just like my
photomanips. It was a real challenge at first, but really, I can blend multiple photos together, but my trouble is understanding brushes. So when I try to paint digitally,
I have no idea which brushes to use and which effects and settings. But I am sure after lots of experimenting and practice, it will just naturally
make sense to me: "oh this brush and those settings." and I can make brushes but using them with the proper settings is like, ahhh! Then again, people always wonder how I make photosph actions, like
how do I know what I am doing? I just simply know. It just happens naturally. I know the settings and effects to use because of practice which leads me to naturally knowing what certain colors
and layer settings will do to a photo of certain tones and colors or whatever.
So...
I want to do matte painting, mix real elements with painted and 3D elements. I find it so awesome! But I don't feel a lot of motivation. I want to do it
but I just feel lazy. I just need to get out of the house , because that gets me motivated.
I am currently trying to paint clouds and skies. I suppose it's normal to doubt ourselves just because we can't get something right the first time
And being hormonal and PMS-ing does not help!
I am like a viscous tiger right now.
Anyway, but I will also make some new tutorials.
But I can't exactly think of one, but maybe give me an idea of a photoshop tutorial you want.
But something you see in my own work.
One time someone mentioned a Selective Color tutorial.
So I still need to make that one!
But huge manipulation tutorials seem to take forever now days.
so if I make those, it'd be easier just to make it like a walkthrough with a few screenshots.

Art

I want to work on art again, like my type of art that I can share with people; manips, ps actions, tutorials, photos, etc.
And I will work on some 3D art as well. But I just honestly need to NOT sit at the computer I need to take a break for at least a full day. I have before and it made me feel so much better and ready for new ideas without frustration.

So, my goal is to take a break for a day or two (from the actual computer...maybe watch a few movies on it, but as long as I am not sitting at the actual computer. I have to be at least 10 ft away).
And I can guarantee I will be `night-fate again! Many of you that watched me for awhile, were used to me uploading art every few days. Now it's like weeks or days. But I shall make that up because I want to be an inspiration again. I want to make art with tutorials like I used to. Right now I just kinda uploaded a few actions here and there, then do nothing but decide what I am meant to do. But I hope by next week or this weekend that I will  have new pics or manips or something!!! to share with everyone. Because I love all of you! Everybody seems to be nice in return; and I also share my personal life, you relate, I'm note alone! and you're not alone!



Life

_{This is 'sorta mentally disturbing' depends how you see it...or possibly relate? I'd love for someone to relate to me. I only know one person who suffers this, but it's a severe mental disorder she has because she didn't get herself out of it. But I still have the power to save myself. And I will.}


....I have been going through another emotional/mental transformation, again!
It's like the fifth one in 6 months. Every time I think I found the solution to a problem inside my head, I'm like
"Omg! I am free! Free!!!!!" but there's still more to it and it comes back. I just want it to end...NOW! It's pointless, worthless,
and wasted my entire teenage life.
But ummmmmmm, right now I feel okay with a and I am feeling some inspiration. Note to self: repeat a million times: I am NOT going to work on my story that will get me nowhere. It's something I started back in January 2004 and practically lived off it for years. But I need to tell myself it has been mentally unhealthy, has drained my life away, made me assume I knew people I didn't know, just because their appearance looked and acted like someone I created, (but within it was struggles and suffering I've learned from. But half the crap is fiction and somewhat actual fact).
For most of my teenage life, I felt like a failed human being trying to justify an imaginary person's choices--to give meaning to everything they had lost, which gave that energy more power--to feed of my fear and pain, and it weakened me. It was very intimidating and made me feel I had to prove myself to someone I did not know or personally meet...everything I saw so inaccurately...because I targeted that specific (real life) human being to be what I wanted them to be to make my fictional person seem like they were real, so I could prove myself to them through the appearance of a physical human being that I was trying to possess inside my mind (seeing what I wanted to see, but was really not there), when really, that real life person was not like the piece of shit I created. (Just a little similarity and nothing more.)
I guess that dark energy can be called "Satan" but I just prefer to call it, "the dark energy within, trying to create bullshit lies so that I suffer over imaginary things that it's trying to prove are real." But that's the past. Starting right now, that is the past....THE PAST!!!!
Even though it's left some mental scars, I can heal most of it , I believe. My heart will kick its ass, using the power of Love.
For the longest time I couldn't love myself, but in the past months I have learned to love myself in the heart, and it's amazing even though it took lots of trials in life to convince myself the truth within.


And I am so deeply thankful for an actual, awesome, understanding there-for-me friend (you know who you are)

one of these days I will have a good laugh at how stupid and funny all this was. In fact, I do sometimes, and it feels great! Either laugh or cry, right? I love laughing but I am still waiting for "the cry" to happen. but for now, laughing relieves frustration. and typing these stupid journals (my deep thoughts that probably not even 15% will relate to)


In other words, I am excited to make some soup with my mom! I am craving a vegetable soup. I gotta go chop the potatoes and celery and that other stuff. I haven't been eating well lately I need to go buy me my healthy food, but I just haven't really eaten that much. Or as my brothers would always say, "you look like a stick."
Sometimes I take it as a compliment But I really need to eat some actual food now that I am feeling sane and secure.

And omg! I just remembered that my dad is flying into the state tonight, but he'll visit his kids (he practically left) tomorrow.
Sometimes it's like one of those situations where you love someone because you "have to" love them because they were around most of your life...sorta, even though they left the state...the actual country! just so they could go do something that involved their own little fantasy without knowledge of their kids--their family they left behind for the sake of their selfish, greedy needs.

anyway, if you survived this insane, personal journal entry, you are awesome!

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas!
My family celebrated a few days ago because my brother had to go out of
town for the weekend. But my mom is still making a Christmas dinner. Then my little brother (like always)
hangouts with his friends on holidays. Later tonight he's heading to Salt Lake City then going snowboarding in Park City tomorrow. His friends  matter first (well himself and then his friends). But I am still happy he took me out to go take photos today and he cleaned his room!



So really, this holiday just seems like another average day. Maybe it's because the snow melted and the sky was clear. Normally it snows and that makes this area feel like a typical Christmas around here in this climate.
I could care less about "presents", I am just thankful to be alive
and talented. That's an awesome gift that will stick with me forever.
And also having "most" of my family around. That's pretty good too . No family fights yet !

There is a possibility that I will be going on a road trip up to Seattle, Washington to visit my dad
this next week. I haven't been there for years!!!! But I hope to go, as long as the weather isn't bad.

In other words, I have been around, just browsing dA and checking messages everyday, but I have been
focusing on a new skill: Matte Painting.
And I've been taking lots of photos outside so I can have high res pics to work with.

Soooooo my goal is to mix digital painting with photographs, 3D elements, and photomanips.
I can already make photomanips, but it'd be even cooler if I could paint mountains and skies and that awesome stuff that I can't find in a photo. Or at least it'd be awesome to create it as a 3D object or something.
I am so excited to make this my new skill!!
I've been doing a little bit of self-teaching at the matte painting, I just need to start at the beginning lol.